Gin the Psychiatrist
by La Rosa del Desierto
Summary: When Lord Aizen requests a mental examination for all the Espada, Gin very kindly offers to take up the role. The Espada, however, are not as thrilled...
1. The News

"A mental evaluation?" repeated Grimmjow. "What the hell?"

"Lord Aizen requested a complete check of his elite fighting force," Tousen replied, in his usual calm tone. "As well as the obvious physical examinations you've all been undergoing –"

"What physical examinations?" Yammy interrupted. "We never had any, as far as I can remember."

"He obviously means that while we have been fighting each other and the soul reapers our fighting ability has been gaged and assessed," Ulquiorra said. "Only an idiot would not have guessed that by now."

"Are you calling me an idiot?"

"Was that not obvious?"

"I do not need a mental exam!" announced Szayel Aporro, fingertips of his right hand resting on his chest while the other lay on his lap. "I am perfect in all aspects!"

"I think a mental exam – would be perfect for you," said Aaroniero, its voice suddenly turning deep and manly half way through the sentence.

Hallibel glanced over at the two Espada and then looked away, rolling her eyes. She returned her attention to the chocolate-skinned man at the head of the table, and spoke.

"We do not have any therapists here in Las Noches," she pointed out, "So who will perform these checks?"

"I'm glad you asked!" said a new voice, one the Espada were all painfully familiar with. The man sidestepped out from behind the tall-backed chair he had apparently been standing behind, unnoticed, for the duration of the meeting.

"Hello, everyone," said Gin Ichimaru, the grin on his face promising a psychological hell.

"Oh crap," said Noitora.


	2. Aaroniero, you're up

After Gin and Kaname had left, Yammy turned to the others worriedly. "Well…" he began. "At least… at least they decided to give us a choice in who gets to go first. That's got to be an upside, right?"

Noitora rolled his eye. "You really are an idiot." He crossed his arms. "We should just go in order of rank."

"But I don't want to go last!"

"Why don't we just fight for it?" Grimmjow suggested. "Whoever wins gets to choose when they go."

"I don't want to go at all," Aaroniero's childish voice piped up.

"On the other hand," Grimmjow mused, "We could just kill each other and get it over with. Then we wouldn't have to go through this."

"I like that idea," Noitora said.

Ulquiorra looked at them both. "This is becoming ridiculous. Aaroniero, you will go first. Then you, Starrk, since you would want to get this over with as soon as possible. We shall decide the rest afterwards."

"I don't –" Aaroniero began in its deep voice.

"- I think that's a good start," Yammy agreed, talking over the Novena Espada.

"Agreed," said Starrk, the only word he'd said for one and a half hours.

…

"Aaroniero, please come in," said the former 3rd Division captain, deliberately being overly casual.

Aaroniero did so, his jar-head already beginning to sweat.

_Interesting, _Gin thought. _Who knew it could do that? _He made a note on a clipboard he had recently acquired for this very occasion, noticing Aaroniero fidgeting nervously.

"You seem anxious," Gin said. "Tell me, what do you think caused this?"

Aaroniero shrugged, still not uttering a word. Gin briefly considered keeping his face straight rather than the grin he always wore but then thought better of it. It was far too much fun to tease him like this. He looked down at his clipboard, then back up at the Espada.

To Aaroniero, his grin seemed to have become wider, though none of his heads knew how that was even possible.

"Well, let's approach it from a different angle, shall we?" Gin suggested, smiling moronically. "Why do you wear that mask so often? Is it because you're self-conscious of your appearance?"

Aaroniero seemed to consider this for a minute. "No, not really, because if anyone made any comments about that I'd eat them," he said in an off-handed manner, relaxing a little.

Gin hesitated for a second, before jotting something else down on his clipboard. "So what I hear you saying is that you wish you'd had a closer relationship with your victims."

Aaroniero was silent for a couple of seconds, both heads gaping in astonishment, before he finally blurted, "_What?_ I don't need a closer relationship with – I mean I _ate_ them, how much closer could I get – are you even listening to yourself?"

"I'm glad you see things my way! And may I just add: what a splendid pair of heads you have!"

The higher pitched head piped up. "Thank you, we're very proud of our uniqueness."

Gin wrote more notes on his clipboard, speaking out loud as he wrote. "Has… a split… personality…"

"We do not!"

Gin continued writing. "Subject… refers… to itself… as 'we'…"

"Excuse me," said the deeper voiced head. "I would like you to stop doing that."

Gin laced his fingers together and placed them on the table in front of him. "So… you're saying you _haven't_ got a split personality disorder?"

"No, not at all. We are two halves of a whole, so we're really in sync."

"Is that why you're now in Kaien Shiba's body?"

Aaroniero looked down at himself. "Oh. It appears I am."

Gin leaned forward. "Well, I think we've all learned something here today. I believe I've finished my report for Lord Aizen. Would you like to hear it?"

The Novena Espada nodded.

"Aaroniero Arruruerie, having passed the physical examinations earlier, came in today for his mental exam," Gin began, speaking off the cuff. "He seemed particularly anxious at first, but relaxed when he began to talk more about his Resurección, Glutonería, leading me to believe he has a slight sadistic streak." Aaroniero/Kaien was nodding absent-mindedly. "The subject has attachment issues, possibly stemming from the fact that none of his heads are themselves not attached onto his body. Furthermore, he doesn't see his split personality as an issue, as he believes he has it under control. Haha, let's see how long that one lasts. Subject appears to be slightly alarmed, however since it apparently had no awareness of slipping into Kaien Shiba's body, I believe my scepticism is justified."

Gin finished speaking and looked at the Espada sitting before him. Kaien's face was strangely blank.

"_Attachment issues? No control?_ Do you even _know_ what you're doing?" Aaroniero finally yelled.

"Of _course _not," Gin said, in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. "I _never_ know what I'm doing. But that's what life's all about, right?"

Aaroniero stood up. "If anyone needs a mental check, it's you! And don't you dare write anything else down!" he added as Gin moved the pen over the paper once more. The Novena turned and slammed the door as he left the room.

Gin's wide smile became genuine. "I believe he passed with flying colours. Now to actually write all of that down," he said, looking at his clipboard. He hadn't actually been writing anything down, of course. He'd been playing noughts and crosses against himself, as well as a doodle of himself pushing Aizen off a cliff.

He decided he was very much going to enjoy being a psychiatrist.


	3. Starrk's turn

Starrk walked in just then.

Gin rubbed his hands together, already concocting a plan. "Perfect."

"What was that?" asked the Primera Espada.

"Oh, nothing."

...

Grimmjow glared at Noitora. "What do you mean, I'm next? Why the hell should I listen to you?"

"Maybe because_ I'm_ the Quinta whereas _you're_ just the Sexta."

"Right, that's it! Let's settle this!" Grimmjow drew Pantera from its sheath.

"You'll both be in there eventually," Hallibel pointed out. "What's the point in arguing?" After a moment the two quarrelling Espada sat back down, still eyeing each other warily.

"From what I heard," Szayel Aporro said, "Aaroniero ended up being very angry after his session."

"Did they fight?" Noitora asked eagerly.

"No," Szayel Aporro sighed, flicking back a lock of his pink hair. "I think it was a wasted opportunity."

Yammy raised a finger. "Wait a minute," he said, "How do you know all of that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Szayel replied. "I have surveillance _all over_ Las Noches."

The other Espada looked at him. "All... over...?" Zommari repeated slowly, an edge to his deep voice.

"Of course! For research purposes, naturally."

"Naturally," Zommari repeated, nodding his head.

There was a moment of quiet. Some, at that point, may have noticed the tension gradually building up. Some, the more poetic ones, may have even called it the calm before the storm.

Everyone would have noticed the point where simultaneously, the Espada (minus Szayel Aporro) snapped.

"I do not appreciate the thought of surveillance in my rooms. Furthermore there is no discernible reason to observe me, even for research purposes," said Ulquiorra calmly, before turning his empty, emerald eyes on the Octava Espada. "So stop. Immediately."

"What the ****?" Grimmjow shouted. "You can't just install ****ing cameras wherever the hell you feel like it!"

"I hope you know what will happen to you," Hallibel said, "If I find one of these cameras in _my_ quarters, Szayel Aporro Granz."

It was obvious that Szayel was becoming more than a little uncomfortable. "Now, now, I'm sure there's a reasonable arrangement we can come to, like for example surveillance only every other day perhaps?"

"No." said Zommari.

"Over my dead body," Noitora added, glaring.

The door swung open, an Arrancar bowing another Espada through. "What is it this time?" Barragan asked.

"What's what?" Szayel asked.

"This."

"This?"

"This."

"You mean the secret meeting we set up without the knowledge of our tyrannic overlords?" Szayel said with a small frown on his face.

"You know that's EXACTLY what I mean, Szayel Aporro," replied Barragan.

"Hmmm..." Szayel said, taking his time to think of an appropriate response before the Secunda Espada blasted him into small pieces which he would no doubt then scatter to the four winds before Szayel could even get a chance to blink.

Luckily at that point Kaname Tousen came into the room, distracting Barragan. "What is going on here?"

"We're only deciding who'll be seeing Ichimaru next," Yammy said hurriedly. "That's all."

"I see. How long has it been before Starrk went for his... consultation?" Tousen asked.

The Espada looked at one another. "Around an hour, I'd say," Yammy said. "Why?"

The others gave him a minute while he processed the possible reason for this. "Oh. Oh no."

"Indeed," Tousen said. "I shall go and investigate."

...

Gin spun as the door opened and Kaname walked in, then stopped.

"What in Hueco Mundo...?" he asked.

"You know, for a blind guy you have pretty good vision," Gin said. "Now, I can explain. Starrk fell asleep because I made the session too boring. Then I tried to wake him up using increasingly disruptive methods, and incidentally, did you know our Coyote here is actually a very sound sleeper? I even tried shouting in his ear! I think it's because he's learned to tune out that annoying Fraccion of his, what's her name? Oh yes, Lilynette. Anyway, I -"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? IS THIS WHAT YOU DID TO AARONIERO? I'M OUT OF HERE!"

Grimmjow turned and stalked away. After a moment, Ulquiorra, Barragan, Zommari and Hallibel did too.

"I'm almost dreading the answer," Noitora began, "but what the hell is that catapult doing in here?"

"And why is Starrk tied to it?" Szayel asked, in morbid fascination. "Are you trying to wake him up? Just get Lilynette in here, he'll be completely lucid in seconds."

Gin seemed to give this suggestion serious thought. "No, I don't think I will," he said finally. "I'm having too much fun."

Tousen sighed. "How is this a mental examination?"

"I'm seeing how long it takes for his brain to register pain while he's asleep. It's going to be useful information in the upcoming war."

If he could see, Tousen would have simply stared at him. In the circumstances, he made do with silence. After a while he said, "No."

And that was the end of Coyote Starrk's psychiatric session.


	4. Grimm - okay, Noitora then

Gin was a little surprised when Noitora walked in. "I was under the impression that Grimmjow would be the next person to see me."

"Oh yeah?" the Espada replied caustically. "And how did you figure that?"

Gin's smirk turned smug. "I have my secrets."

Noitora eyed him flatly. "Yammy told you, didn't he."

"… yeah, alright, you got me," Gin conceded, hands in the air in an 'I surrender' motion.

"Can't we just get this over with? It's hard enough avoiding you as it is without you being my freaking psychiatrist." Noitora leaned back in his chair across the table and crossed his arms over his chest.

Gin nodded and flipped over a page on his clipboard. The first page had become a mess of scribbles, the bottom half of which was covered in diagrams of the catapult he'd tied Starrk to. Surrounding these were complicated mathematical equations of the optimum angle he could aim the catapult, factoring in distance and height against the how-many-times-Starrk-is-going-to-kill-me-afterwar ds coefficient, of course trying to keep that number to a minimum. In the end, he hadn't been able to test this, which was rather disappointing.

Still, Gin liked to look on the bright side of things, and consoled himself with the knowledge that Noitora had admitted to wanting to avoid him at all costs. Gin resolved to make every effort to get in the Quinta Espada's way as much as humanly (or soul reaper-ly) possible from now on. It was the least he could do to annoy the hell out of him.

But back to the session.

"So," Gin began, "Why don't we begin by you telling me exactly how you ended up in this chair today." He laced his fingers under his chin and rested his elbows on the desk.

Noitora looked at him. "Well," he began, in a tone drenched with sarcasm, "It all started the day I became a Hollow. Then a couple hundred years later, Aizen asked me to get my brain checked out by a guy who I'm pretty sure isn't all there himself."

"Hmm," Gin agreed, pretending to write something down on his clipboard, speaking aloud as he did so: "Subject… appears to be suffering… from delusions… or possible paranoia… appears to believe everyone… apart from himself… is mentally unstable… whereas it is in fact the other way around…"

"I said _you_ were the one with your screws loose, not everyone!"

"Subject is highly temperamental…" Gin said, while jotting down the words, 'Remember dry cleaning later on'.

"Only because you're so damn infuriating!" Noitora shouted, reaching for Santa Teresa.

Gin couldn't help but wonder how he managed to get that oddly shaped weapon in here in the first place, but that was a question for another time. Instead he said, in the most patronising voice he could muster, "My, you do seem a little angry. What do you think could have caused that foul temper of yours?"

Noitora's eye narrowed. "Let me tell you," he said, "of a certain Espada."

Gin nodded, knowing where this was going. "Nelliel Tu Odelschvank, yes, we _all_ know –"

"_Don't say that brat's name_!" snapped Noitora. "She was so damn annoying! It was like she existed, purely to torture me."

_Oh boy, here we go_, Gin thought, and began to fold his second clipboard paper, now split in half, into two origami samurai, one stabbing the other. Gin looked at them wistfully, silently urging one of them to come alive and stab Noitora while he was still ranting about the previous Tres Espada_. Is it too much to ask for a sudden ninja attack which mysteriously leaves Noitora unable to speak again?_ Gin stared imploringly at the ceiling, but it stayed ninja-free. _This guy's worse than Szayel on a bad hair day!_

"…AND she hated fighting. What the hell was with that? What, I ask you, was the point of her _being _an Espada if she hated fighting? And she tried to stop _me _from fighting too! In her sunshine-filled dreams! I think it was pure genius that I got rid of her, even though I had to ask that creep Szayel's help." _Creep? Look who's talking_. "It was hilarious catching her off guard like that, I _hate_ that I never managed to do it before then…"

Gin mentally resigned himself to being talked to death and began wondering whether he could sleep with his eyes open.

…

"Noitora's been in there for almost three-quarters of an hour," Zommari pointed out.

"I wonder what Gin's doing to him. The other two only just managed to get out in time," Szayel said. He sounded almost disturbingly fascinated. Who knew what scenarios that mind of his was dreaming up?

"So," Yammy said, "wanna go and see what the freak's up to?"

The remaining six Espada sitting around the table looked at one another.

"Hell, no," said Grimmjow. "Noitora got himself into this. He'll get himself out."

"And if he doesn't?" asked Hallibel.

"Then it's no loss."

…

"… and if I ever see her, hear her, smell her, hear her name being said or hear any kind of reference to her whatsoever, even the slightest mention of the colour green or the number three, I'm going to find her or whoever was unlucky enough to be talking about her when I'm in the same world as them and I'm. Going. To. _Kill_. Them. Slowly, painfully, and making sure they don't die until they see their own guts spilling to the ground right in front of their very eyes. And if it's _her_, well, I'm going to –"

"- make her die an excruciatingly painful death," Gin interrupted wearily. "Yes, you've made that crystal clear. I think I've got enough for my report. We're done." _Finally_, he thought with relief.

Noitora turned to go, and then said, "You know, for a psychiatrist, you're really crap at listening."

Gin was stunned. "So you're saying_ I'm_ the one who talks too much?"

Noitora rolled his eye. "Obviously, you freak. Just proved my point right there."

The Quinta Espada turned and left, leaving a worn out Gin behind him.

_Sometimes_, thought Gin, _sometimes I really hate psychiatry. When I took the job from Aizen, I didn't expect so much… moaning. It's almost as if Aizen –_

Gin broke off the thought suddenly. _Of course_, he realised. _Aizen knew I'd take any opportunity to annoy the Espada. He knew I'd play them… so he played me first, knowing exactly what I was getting myself into._

_I HATE that man._

…

Somewhere in Las Noches, Sosuke Aizen sat in the chair he spent roughly nine hours a day in and watched the security footage of Gin's assigned post.

He saw Gin raise his silver head slowly, as if realising something.

And Aizen smiled, ever so slightly.


	5. Hallibel, now you

Were it at all possible, Hallibel would have sworn that Gin's smile actually got _creepier_ when she entered the room. She couldn't help but arch an eyebrow but sat down nonetheless.

"You know," Gin said, in a tone which matched his smirk, "I don't believe you've had your_ full_ physical exam yet."

Hallibel's immediate cero shot him backwards into the wall, which unhelpfully proceeded to crumble down on him.

Gin cleared some of the rubble off his body and, wincing with pain, reached forwards to grab his toppled over chair which he then used to prop himself up with.

"Nice - ow! - response," Gin said, setting his chair upright and sitting down on it. "Now, let's continue, shall we?"

Hallibel said nothing, and merely looked at him over her high collared jacket.

"I'll take that as 'sure, Gin, I can't wait!'" the soul reaper said, determined to remain positive while staring in the sea-green eyed face of almost certain death. "Now, a lot of Arrancars and soul reapers - not including me, of course - have been wondering about that outfit of yours. Is there a particular reason why you show half your -"

_BAM!_

Gin picked himself up off the floor gingerly, and made do with kneeling at his desk since his chair had been smashed to smithereens. Hallibel had returned to her cross-armed position and was glaring at her self-proclaimed psychiatrist.

"It was a serious question!" Gin said defensively. "Even _Lord Aizen_ wonders about that, you know!"

The Tercera Espada raised an eyebrow. "He does?"

"Ah-hah! Got you to speak!"

This time, Gin was flung up into the air to collide painfully with the ceiling, causing yet more rubble to litter the area around his desk. He fell back down, battered and bruised but not yet broken.

"Are you going to be more serious now?" she asked.

"I'll think about it -"

He was broken off when Hallibel suddenly pulled him up by the front of his outfit and close to her face.

They made eye contact for several seconds. Several long seconds.

"Okay," Gin said, in a strangled voice. "I'll behave."

The Espada set him down roughly, and took her seat once more.

Gin couldn't help but make one last comment. "Unless, of course, you want me to misbehave a little -"

Hallibel's full-armed slap sent him flying across the room. "That was your last chance," she said. She advanced slowly, giving Gin ample time to panic or beg for mercy before she annihilated him from the face of Hueco Mundo. But he did neither of those things and tried very hard to maintain a sense of bravery before she killed him.

The anger was coming off the woman in blazing waves of spirit energy. Gin had enough time to mentally damn Aizen to hell for all eternity before Hallibel let loose her cero.

...

"So," Barragan began, "why did you call yet another meeting on such short notice, Szayel Aporro?"

"It's an I-believe-we're-having-too-many-meetings meeting," Szayel replied coolly.

Ulquiorra blinked once, slowly, as if testing his self control. Then, in a voice which lowered the temperature of the room by several degrees, he said, "You called a meeting to tell us we were having too many meetings? Could you not have told me that when we passed each other in the halls earlier, Szayel?"

Szayel would have replied just then, had not a rather large chunk of wall just exploded outwards onto him. The Espada recognised Hallibel's and Gin's spiritual pressure and reached for their swords, just as the aforementioned silver-haired soul reaper flash-stepped onto the table, covered in scrapes. He stepped onto the bit of wall which had previously been Szayel Aporro Granz, ignoring the Espada's pained grunt. The dust cleared from the wall, revealing a very annoyed looking Hallibel.

Grimmjow let go of Pantera's hilt. "Speaking for everyone here," he said, "What the _hell_ is going on?"

Gin smirked. "We had a little couple's spat, but -" he moved his head almost casually to the side as he dodged the Tercera Espada's cero, " - I think she's beginning to warm up to me."

Hallibel sonido-ed away suddenly and reappeared where Gin had been a split second earlier, who was now nowhere in sight. "I will_ kill_ him when I catch him," she hissed, and disappeared again.

"Well," Szayel said, shoving aside the fallen masonry. "I don't know about you guys, but I can't _wait_ for my session."

"Sounds like you need it," Yammy said.


	6. Szayel next

"Why are we meeting here?" Szayel asked, surveying the cavernous, empty hall.

Empty that is, save for a single small desk right in the very middle, Gin sitting on one side and Szayel on the other.

"Well, it's simple really," Gin said. "Unless you'd prefer a hole in the ground, which is what the lovely Tercera Espada did to my last office, this will have to do."

Szayel flicked back some of his hair. "Whatever you say. But let's make this quick. I've got to get back to the lab."

"Of course," Gin said, voice dripping with insincerity. "Oh, and by the way, I've been waiting for Grimm-kitty to come in and see me! He's kept me waiting. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was _avoiding_ me."

"Oh," the Espada said. "He said something about 'if anyone needs a psychiatrist it's that b****** Gin' and 'I am not letting that psycho mess up my mind' or words to that effect. I wasn't really listening."

Gin made a mental note to bring in Grimmjow as soon as he could, and noticed the Octava Espada bring out a small hand mirror which he then used to gaze almost longingly at his reflection.

The soul reaper glanced down at his (mercifully unscathed) clipboard and began writing, 'Memo to self: switch Szayel's shampoo to blue hair dye. Ensure camera is on hand for possible blackmail material.'

"I know what people say about me, you know," Szayel Aporro said, still looking at himself in his mirror.

"That you're creepy?" Gin suggested unhelpfully.

Szayel's honey eyes flicked to him, and then back to his mirror. "No."

"That you're insane?"

"No."

"Ah," Gin said, in the tone of one who has finally struck at the answer. "It's that you have more hair products than Lord Aizen himself, isn't it?"

"What? No. I only have the necessary seven or eight bottles of hair conditioner," Szayel said. "Anyway, what I was trying to get at is that people around here say that I'm really vain."

Gin's smirk turned sceptical. "And... you're telling me they're wrong?"

Szayel laughed. "No! I may have an ego," he announced grandly, "but why shouldn't I? I am the embodiment of perfection; no man can ever hope to achieve this."

Gin nodded almost understandingly, and in his best 'psychiatrist' voice said, "So what I hear you saying is that nobody likes you so you project an image of narcissism to disguise the fact that you actually care that you're unloved?"

Szayel looked at him disbelievingly. And with a slight hint of murderous intent. Gin took that as a good sign and continued his baseless analysis.

"Do you want to know what I'm thinking, Szayel?" The Espada opened his mouth to reply but Gin cut him off abruptly. "That was a rhetorical question. I was going to tell you what I was thinking even if you didn't want to know what I was thinking, since I think you'd want to hear what I was thinking anyway. Are you following?"

"I think so," Szayel said slowly.

"Good!" Gin said happily. "I think that you need some chick to tell you how great you think you are. I hear that Hallibel's single -"

The soul reaper was cut off with the sound of Szayel's hysterical laughter. "And they say you have no sense of humour!" he said, wiping a tear - an honest-to-goodness, actual _tear_ of laughter - from his eye. "I knew this session was going to be fun."

Gin had never been so horrified in his life.

"You're... having... fun?" he repeated. What was going on? Hadn't he been making the Espada's consultations terrifying enough? Had all his effort been wasted? _Was he losing to Aizen?_ It couldn't be!

"I don't know what the others were so worried about!" Szayel continued, oblivious to Gin's internal crisis. "Aaroniero was practically crying before he went in. Noitora was kind of nervous too, he just hid it better and started picking fights with everyone. I think Starrk was a little..."

Gin blocked the rest of Szayel's ramblings out gratefully as he realised all his efforts hadn't been in vain. His ability to excessively annoy anyone he came into contact with was still intact. The world, life, the universe and everything made sense again.

And Grimmjow was going to come in next, and man, wasn't Gin going to have fun with him.


	7. Grimmjow's appointment

The Sexta Espada entered the large chamber via a large hole he'd just blown in the wall, a bored, disinterested look in his sky blue eyes. Gin was sitting at the table, clipboard set upright with both hands, simply looking at him.

Grimmjow thought nothing of this at first, approaching at a casual pace with his hands in his pockets. It struck him after a second, and he almost stopped dead in his tracks.

Gin was looking at him. Not squinting as he usually did, but actually staring at him, electric blue eyes open. And his signature smirk had also disappeared.

In other words, he looked absolutely normal. Grimmjow was sure that this was the first time in his existence he'd ever felt truly disturbed. But he wasn't going to let that b****** get the better of him. He continued walking and sat down opposite the soul reaper, leaning back in his chair and looking in every way completely at ease -

- until he promptly fell backwards onto the floor, noticing too late that one chair leg had been broken and carefully set to look like it was whole, so all it took was some idiot like him to come and sit on it for it to collapse. He couldn't help but growl in frustration as he got to his feet.

Gin smirked. "Problem?"

"No," Grimmjow snarled, getting to his feet and assuming a relaxed pose once more. He'd seen Noitora and Aaroniero after their sessions with the guy, and figured that Gin's only objective was to piss the hell out of the Espada. He'd come to this determined not to give Gin the satisfaction. And by the looks of it, Gin had predicted this would happen, which is why he'd had that freakishly normal look on his face before.

"Hey, Grimmjow," the soul reaper began.

"What the hell do you want?"

"Such anger, Grimmjow!" Gin said maddeningly. "I just wanted to say that the way you're standing, you leave yourself wide open for any sudden attacks from behind..."

Grimmjow's eyes widened and he spun around suddenly, only to see an empty room.

"Psyched you out, didn't I?" Gin laughed. "You're too easy to fool!" He managed, with reflexes Soi Fong would have appreciated had she and the rest of the Soul Society hadn't wanted to kill him so badly, to swiftly snatch his clipboard off the table and scrape his chair back just as Grimmjow cleaved the table in two.

"What the hell is your problem, you freak!" he shouted as he kicked aside the broken table.

Gin, still seated, returned his expression to horrifyingly normal once more as he looked up at the Sexta Espada. "I don't think I'm the one with the problem, Grimmjow," he said. "After all, you're the one torturing poor Hallibel by not returning her feelings of complete and utter infatuation."

Grimmjow's eyes widened almost comically and he choked before he said, "I'm not that stupid, soul reaper."

Gin sighed. "No, you're right, I should have known. The truth is, Hallibel isn't in love with you."

"No shi-"

"-It's actually Szayel." Gin paused to let his words sink in, noting with satisfaction that Grimmjow now looked deeply disturbed. "Don't tell me you're surprised. Isn't Szayel always complementing your physique? 'Oh Grimmjow, you've been working out, haven't you?'"

"He's never said that. To anyone. You're the worst f***ing liar I've ever met, Ichimaru." Grimmjow adjusted his stance so the tip of his still drawn Pantera rested at his throat. "Get on with this session already. You're wasting my time."

Gin ignored this and sighed again, more dramatically. At the Espada's raised blue eyebrow he began talking once more. "Yes, I'll admit it. It's not Hallibel or Szayel. It's Ulquiorra. He'd kill me for telling you about his barely repressible feelings, but-"

"Now Ulquiorra has feelings?" Grimmjow stepped back and turned to go. "I've got some Arrancars I need to pound to dust. This is getting me nowhere." Now, in retrospect, turning his back on Gin Ichimaru really, really wasn't the cleverest thing to do. Especially if said soul reaper had spent most of the last hour trying to plot the best way he could annoy/freak out the Sexta Espada. In the most reptilian voice he could manage, Gin spoke once more.

"Shoot to death, Shinso."

Pantera was in front of Grimmjow in an eyeblink. The Espada had turned to face him and was in a fighting stance, ready to move without even a moment's hesitation. It took all of two seconds for the blue haired Arrancar to realise that Gin had not actually moved an inch.

"Psych!" Gin said, grinning widely. "You're too easy fooled to be fun-" he flash stepped a safe distance away when Grimmjow growled and tried to attack. "-And speaking from a professional point of view, it seems to me that you're slightly frustrated. Why do you think that is?"

"Aaarh!" Grimmjow snarled with anger and used sonido to appear directly behind Gin. The soul reaper materialised on the other side of the room, leaning against a pillar.

"Yes, I can see how that would have been an issue," Gin continued blithely. "But what exactly is it that you hate the most about me? Most people say that I talk too much. I don't talk too much, do I? I'm sure you would have told me if you thought I did. You're always so honest, Grimmjow -"

"Shut up! Just _shut the f*** up!"_

_Success! _Gin thought, and knew it was time to play his final card. If Grimmjow decided to go into Resurrecion form it could mean that Gin could actually be in some danger, as much as he hated to admit it. So just as the Espada came flying at him, he flash stepped to the hole in the wall Grimmjow used as a door and suddenly pointed behind the aforementioned Arrancar, eyes open in alarm.

"Look!" he cried. "Ichigo Kurosaki!"

"Where? _CERO!"_

Gin took a second to appreciate the size of the second hole in the wall that Grimmjow had created before flash stepping away. His work there was complete.

His expression was still unnaturally normal as he walked through the corridor a few minutes later, and came across the Octava Espada. Szayel's honey eyes went wide and he almost had a heart attack right there, leaning on the wall for support as he fought to catch his breath.

_Huh_, thought Gin. _I should really do the normal thing more often_.


	8. You're in now, Barragan

Gin sat in his chair, waiting for Barragan to arrive. The self-styled King of Hueco Mundo sure was taking his time. The soul reaper thought back to a conversation he'd had with Aizen earlier that day. The former squad captain hadn't even batted an eyelid when Gin had asked for his desk to be replaced. He had simply said, "_Please_ refrain from destroying my fortress." Gin had interpreted this as, 'If you do anything like that again I will set something Unworldly and Suitably Horrific on you to erase your existence from the face of Hueco Mundo.'

And Rangiku said that he couldn't pick up subtle hints.

Gin was suddenly snapped back to reality when a huge fanfare sounded and the large doors to the vast chamber opened with a flourish. Two Arrancars held open the doors while others walked through, carrying a large old man on an equally large white throne.

On top of all this commotion, one of Barragan's Fracción (Gin didn't bother learning their names) announced the arrival of His Royal Highness, King Barragan Luisenbarn.

_Really_, Gin thought. _I hadn't noticed._

He continued grinning as another of Barragan's subordinates (this man had far too many) moved aside the chair opposite Gin and set Barragan down in all his seated glory down in front of him.

"Gin Ichimaru," Barragan said, looking down at the soul reaper.

"Barragan," said Gin in reply. "Barragan's throne. Barragan's numerous fanatics. I'm so pleased to see that you're all here!"

"Get this over with, Ichimaru," said Barragan. "I do not have all day."

"You're right," replied Gin with a hint of mischief in his voice. "But in Hueco Mundo, who does? It's perpetual night!"

The blond Arrancar standing besides Barragan's large white throne gasped in outrage. "Show more respect to His Majesty!"

"Indeed!" said Barragan. "For I still rule Hueco Mundo!"

"Uh… sure," said Gin, while writing, 'More deluded than Tousen and more power-mad that Aizen, leading me to the conclusion that senility must affect the brain much more seriously than I previously believed.'

Gin looked up at the Espada. He was seated as normal, on his humble wooden chair at his humble wooden table. Barragan, on the other hand, was on a throne made of white bones that were no doubt authentic (would royalty settle for anything less?), his crown on his head, flanked by twenty or so Fracción. This guy clearly hadn't understood when Gin had said this would be a _personal _psychiatry session.

The smile on Gin's face grew wider. "So, Barragan –" he began.

"It's _King_ Barragan to you, soul reaper!" interrupted the same Fracción. Gin looked at him, and let his smile drop ever so slightly. After a few seconds the Arrancar looked away, swallowing nervously.

"So, _Barragan_," repeated Gin. "I see you've brought half of Hueco Mundo here with you. Are you sure you want an audience for something like this? I mean, didn't you _see_ the other Espada? I humiliated them pretty badly."

Barragan raised a thick white eyebrow. "You sound proud of such an achievement, Gin. You should know by now how insecure each Espada is."

The soul reaper cocked his head to the side. "Why would you assume that I, their _psychiatrist_, would know something like that? That's very personal information."

The Segunda Espada glared at him. If Gin had an old, cranky, self-important grandfather, he was pretty sure he would look a lot like Barragan did now. Suddenly, the old Arrancar sighed. "You do not understand what I have to cope with every day of my existence," he said. "Noitora and Grimmjow, constantly bickering about who is the best fighter. Hallibel, constantly hearing everything we say as an insult against women. Szayel Aporro, constantly talking about our fashion sense. Ulquiorra, constantly calling everyone 'trash'. Yammy, constantly being stupid. Zommari, constantly giving everyone advice on how to 'free your soul', whatever that means."

Gin nodded in what he assumed was sympathy. "You certainly bear a lot of burden. Must come with being a king." At this point, one of Barragan's Fracción tried to speak, but was ignored.

"Precisely. And shall I tell you what frustrates me the most?"

"Go on," Gin replied, clipboard at the ready.

"The hierarchy system of the Espadas. Why am I not the Primera? I have the largest Fracción and I am by far the most powerful. Starrk, on the other hand, is lazy and weak. I deserve more respect!"

Gin jotted down some notes. "Yes, I can empathise. Once, when I was a young, innocent, slightly murderous soul reaper, I –"

"And Lilynette!" Barragan interrupted. "That Arrancar shows no respect for her elders. It borders on the ridiculous. I cannot stand her hyperactive behaviour. She is insane."

"Cough! - As are the rest of you – cough!" Gin said, trying to be subtle.

"What? Speak up."

"Oh, nothing." He added more short notes. 'The self-proclaimed king is getting deaf in his old age. Can use to my advantage.'

"He said, 'as are the rest of you', my liege," said the blond Fracción unhelpfully.

"He _what_?" Barragan roared.

"Well now," Gin said, addressing the Arrancar. "That wasn't very nice, was it? I think you're going to have to be more careful when you're walking around Las Noches from now on." He noticed, with great satisfaction, that the Arrancar now looked very nervous. On his clipboard, he wrote, 'Barragan getting deaf. Fracción are not. Also: kill blond Arrancar at earliest convenience.' He set his clipboard on the table and looked up at Barragan. "I think I've got all my notes for Lord Aizen, so we're done here! He'll be pleased to see you're sane, for now."

Barragan had seemingly become deaf again, as he didn't react to the last thing Gin had said. He almost repeated it, but then decided he didn't want to drag this out any more than necessary. So he simply waved goodbye cheerfully and watched as Barragan was carried out on the backs of four unfortunate Arrancars. He beamed at the blond Fracción who had so annoyed him earlier and saw the man's expression (what little Gin could see of it beneath his mask, anyway) turn into sheer horror.

Gin _loved_ being nice to people.


End file.
